The Identity Impasse: Surrender We Cannot “Do”

Ego and Essence: Understanding the Identity Impasse

Last night, while meditating, my understanding of this identity impasse deepened. While working with the Obsidian Samadhi Meditation, I was moving into very deep space, but I reached a point where the dynamics seemed to hover. As I explored what was happening, I realized that what was putting the meditation into a holding pattern was the element of self-reflection – there was still a “me” aware of the meditation – I was meditating.

As I pondered this, the reality of the phrase – the price for God is your life – brought new significance. God won’t take 99 cents – the price is the full dollar. The identity must go, and self-reflection is a linchpin in maintaining our sense of identity.

This brought me to the identity impasse – one can’t do anything about this. We can’t “do” our way out of self-reflection. Surrender is needed, but we can’t surrender. To kiss the Beloved, we must sacrifice the kisser – again, something which can’t be a “doing.”

It’s a poser. What’s one to do? Hang at the abyss and let longing & separation have their way with us, I suppose.

We grasp at spirituality to enhance ourselves, not lose ourselves. Thus, we offer God ninety-nine cents, clinging to a penny of ego. We retain a spiritual self-image, a “me” aware it is meditating or surrendering. But true surrender is the death of self, not its finest act.

As I discovered, even subtle self-reflection stymies emptiness. Identity is the price God demands, yet we haggle to keep a fraction of ego. Progress halts at this impasse, the surrender we cannot “do.”

Ego cannot choose to be egoless.

So, an identity impasse can only be resolved if we thoroughly understand our trap. Essential realization occurs only when the ego is completely understood – how it is constituted, maintained, and defended.”

This is the “identity impasse”. The ego cannot vault outside itself and gain perspective on its delusion. Just as a butterfly cannot free itself by struggling harder in the cocoon, ego cannot relinquish ego.

Yet longing propels us to the precipice again and again. However indecipherable, we are drawn to what lies beyond self. Rumi beautifully captures this paradox:

“What a bargain, let’s buy it!” Rumi celebrates the impossible exchange – life for Life. We cannot grasp this sacred commerce intellectually. But the heart yearns to kiss the Beloved, though the price is the kisser.

So we wait at the abyss, holding the tension of longing and separation. This excruciating impasse of not-knowing carves an inner clearing. In the space where ego dissolves, Essence rushes in, touching us to the core until no self remains. We surrender the price unknowingly, through Grace alone.