The Enneagram Provides an Infinite Supply of Lessons in Learning
The following is a blast from the past – lessons in learning from over twenty-five years ago. The names have been changed to protect the innocent!
Lessons in Learning 1
Dive into ‘lessons in learning’ as you explore the intricate dynamics between Enneagram types 8 and 6.
As an eight on the Enneagram, part of my fixation is acting confidently to move forward with my agenda. Point 6, conversely, is the core fear point — hesitant, doubtful, anxious. My defense mechanism is denial, and fear is at the top of my denial list. Point six’s defense mechanism is projection — fear, anxiety, and doubt seem, at least to me, to be broadcast everywhere by them.
Years ago, I had some very enlightening lessons in learning with three sixes. The following are interactions, from this eight’s perspective on what happens when six and eight collide(?). Please keep in mind that these are just personal experiences of mine, and while I think they reflect particular predictable dynamics, they are not intended as a definitive statement on all six/eight interactions.
I met Lena at my first professional enneagram training. Before introductions, I turned to her and asked, “You’re a six, aren’t you?”(some of that subtle eight tact). She replied in the affirmative, and we began chatting. My reaction to the anxious energy pouring out of her led me to assume that she was a phobic six. There were other clues in her body language, but the energy got my attention.
I had been aware for some time that I avoided or had reactions to certain types of people, but I didn’t have a precise understanding of what I was avoiding or reacting to in them. One of the gifts of the enneagram has been the revelation of some of this unconscious material. I know now that anxiety, fear, hesitancy, and doubt had an almost crippling effect on me (as I used to experience myself) and my ability to act in the world.
A year later, during our third training session, I had a fantastic lesson in learning with Lena, giving me greater insight and clarity into this dynamic. One day during lunch, she turned to me and said, “I wish I had just half of your anger, aggression, and assertiveness.”. Reacting from my place of grandiosity, I said, “OK, I’ll trade you. For the rest of the day, you can have half of my aggression, and I’ll take half of your fear.”. Boy, talk about falling off a cliff into cold dark water!!!
As I left the cafeteria, I began to hesitate to try and imagine how a six’s mind and perception would be operating. When I thought of the simplest thing, like going to the meeting room, I immediately stopped and asked myself, “Is that what I should do?” As I continued to play around with this questioning, hesitating, and doubting, I noticed a particular sense of anxiety in my body. Before long, I was constricted in the chest and diaphragm in a new way. There was also a sense of unease around my belt line.
The afternoon program consisted of different group and individual movement exercises. When I got into those exercises, I was about to come unglued. I was extremely sensitive to people behind me, my anxiety was high and I was very aware of how much I wanted to return to being me.
This experience taught me how much I avoided feeling fear and anxiety. It was highly uncomfortable energy for me. It created a sense of non-functioning in my head, a lack of certainty in my body, and a hollow quivering in my chest. Since that interaction with Lena, I have allowed myself to explore this more fully, to a deeper degree, to more subtle levels. It doesn’t make much sense to me to do this — radical allowing.
I owe a debt of gratitude to Lena for these lessons in learning, and I can only hope she got as much out of her end of the trade as I did from mine. Of course, it’s nice to have my other half back.
Lessons in Learning 2
Unearth ‘lessons in learning’ about hidden fears and defense mechanisms that shape our interactions.
Byron had his own personal growth venture (course, material, process) that he taught and facilitated. I was interested in becoming more knowledgeable about his material and had entered into a student-teacher relationship with him. By the end of our training process, I had (any decent eight would) crossed a few lines, stepped on a few sensitive toes, and questioned or undermined a little authority here and there.
This brought Byron, a counter-phobic six, and me to the point where we needed to discuss yours truly. Until then, I could have cared less about recognition for this undertaking; I only wanted the knowledge. An exciting and very recognizable dynamic happened for me (recognizable because of the enneagram work). During our discussions, Byron said he was worried about me and was considering being unable to pass me. BINGO! AGAINST SYSTEMS ONLINE! I immediately found myself being up against the authority, and I could feel all of the efforting and power resources arising to meet it head-on. An interesting and curious thing happened: I was in agreement with the authority about his concerns about me.
I was already in the process of exploring and questioning my unconscious motives and agendas. My orientation was that if I stayed present and aware, I would eventually discover whatever unconscious material was lurking in my psyche’s netherworld. Thus, I found myself in a polarized dynamic where two orientations were competing for attention. One wanted to fight and defend; the other was curious about what was happening. I decided to see what lessons in learning could arise if I didn’t buy into my history and pick up the sword.
As the training progressed, Byron and I met several times to discuss his concerns. I found many of his concerns and observations valid and similar to my self-observations, but I thought one item was way off base, and I said so. His assertion about my motives behind a particular action was so bizarre that I couldn’t accept his opinion.
Something exciting and insightful occurred to me. Remember: he’s the authority in this scenario. I found myself disagreeing with his insight or opinion, which to him meant I was in denial (defense mechanism). My perspective was (and still is) that he was projecting (defense mechanism) his stuff onto me. Talk about being between a rock and a hard spot — I was in Catch-22. My self-observation was denial; his was truth from on high (my opinion).
I had been in this dynamic before and never recognized it (thank God for the Enneagram!). This situation was an incredible insight for me and a wonderful experiential lesson. It raised my basic distrust of the universe (God, authority) and allowed me to see what would happen if I didn’t “stand against,” fight, and effort. The situation turned out okay, but that’s not the point. The point is about how wonderful, revealing, and transformative living experience can be if one is present and allows one’s defensive structure to be acted upon. I wouldn’t make this a general declaration for all situations, but sometimes what’s trying to get through our defenses has our best interests at heart!
Lessons in Learning 3
Embark on a transformative journey filled with ‘lessons in learning’ for your spiritual growth.
I met Tim at the first Enneagram event I attended. I observed an immediate pronouncement of disliking him from my mind. Still, I decided to see what could happen if I told my inner critic to take a hike and allowed for the possibilities of lessons in learning. Tim, a counter-phobic six, and I managed to connect, but our friendship took about a year to form.
It was about a year and a half after our first meeting that a situation arose, giving me further insight into the 6/8 dynamic. Tim was also questioning my unconscious motives and material of mine. Again, I was open to a mutual exploration of the whole thing, but I noticed that Tim had an almost desperate, demanding need to resolve the whole thing now. Although my perspective differed from his, I was willing to continue observing, questioning, and exploring the fertile ground of uncertainty…….this would take time.
As Tim and I discussed this in the following weeks, I realized through his self-disclosure that his fixation on security at point six created this desperate demand for resolution or finality. To him, my attitude of “Let’s see what reveals itself in time.”, was a threat and a strategy on my part to avoid the whole thing, and he was sure this was the eight’s denial at work.
I didn’t know what to tell him other than he might be 100% correct, but the great thing about the denial I struggle with is that, at its best, it is working at an unconscious level. I can’t just say, “Oh yeah, you’re right.”. That would most likely be a lie intended to calm someone down in the moment.
Can you get the sense of how wonderful, but crazy-making this dynamic can be at times? Projection vs Denial — fifteen rounds — winner takes all! Ultimately, resolution has to be an individual experience at a level of essence, not personality.
As I continue to explore the labyrinth of my psyche with all of its conditioned patterns and defensive structures, and as I continue to work and connect with others, I am consistently more appreciative of the bind we are all in. What is truly remarkable is that beyond the limitations of type, there is a sweet mystery in each of us, and somehow, through all the muck, this part in me can contact its counterpart in others. When that happens, life as I usually know it fades, and everything becomes a dance of exquisite preciousness.