Enneagram 8 to 2: The Needy Mess

Enneagram 8 – Old Patterns – Only the Lonely

First, I should disclose that I am a teacher of the Diamond Approach and was a student of the Diamond Approach when the events I will discuss occurred.

I watched an A. H. Almaas video the other day titled Working with Instinctual Dynamics and Dependency Needs. Watching the video brought back memories that were clear examples of what he discussed relating to the steps needed to free the soul from instinctual ego patterns.

Here are some of the points covered in the video:

• Work on instincts has two levels
  • Liberating the instincts
  • Integrating instincts into essential life
• Steps needed
  • Corrective experience
    • Emotional level
    • Essential level
• Dependency Need – need for regulation by an “other.”

Helpful definitions for understanding the video:

• Pearl – personal essence
• Merging Essence
• Schizoid Defense

Enneagram 8 to 2

Almaas mentions that one way of exploring or looking at this subject is through the lens of the Enneagram. Since the exploration involves childhood experiences, psychic structures, and psychodynamics, one view is moving from your enneatype fixation toward integrating your heart-space or soul-child space.

For me, type 8, this is a movement toward point 2 on the enneagram. Having several “8 friends” who have made a lot of inquiry into themselves and also having worked with many Diamond Approach students over the years, I can say that moving from your fixation to your heart space is not necessarily all flowers, butterflies, rainbows, and unicorns – especially at first.

For enneagram type 8, this lands us in what my 8-friends and I call “the needy mess.” This correlates precisely with what Almaas refers to as dependency needs. Nothing is less attractive to eights than this emotional morass of helplessness and powerlessness.

Exploring this territory often reduced me to a blubbering ball of protoplasm, my least favorite human experience.

Working Through Old Patterns

Suppose we are not fully enlightened or awakened. In that case, our life is centered around a self that did not exist when we were born, resulting from our body interacting with its inner and outer environment over time.

This self is always oriented toward the future, and it is always projecting the past into the present moment to motivate toward the future.

This is the major hurdle for everyone, especially those on “a spiritual path:” the self (root problem) seeking enlightenment at some future point in time. 

Understanding this is extremely important: every moment and action from the self reinforces the conviction of self.

Adyashanti says, “The question is not how to awaken; the question is what’s in the way of awakened awareness right now.”

It’s not about going toward some future experience. It’s about peeling away what’s obscuring our natural state. 

Here’s a simple diagram to illustrate the situation:

You see, it’s not about getting something in the future; it’s more about returning to what was before the construction of the self. This is the beauty of open-ended inquiry as it is practiced in the Diamond Approach.

It’s focused on your immediate experience as the doorway to what you are. You’re not going to find you. You already are you. What’s in the way of that awareness and knowing?

Only the Lonely Know the Way I Feel Tonight

I was in my forties.

One morning, I attempted to initiate sexual contact with my wife. She wasn’t interested, not the first time.

For some reason, this triggered a deep sense of rejection, abandonment, and worthlessness. “What am I doing in this relationship,” went through my mind. I felt like a hurt child.

I dressed and drove 40 miles to an aspen grove, where I sat in the rain brooding, feeling sorry for myself and sincerely wondering about my situation and reactivity.

Thirty minutes later, soaked to the bone, the only thing I was sure of was – I loved my wife. She has her stuff, and I have mine.

So, I drove home and talked with her. I told her about my reactions, feelings, and feelings of helplessness and hurt, AND I told her I was not asking her to change or accommodate me. 

As you might imagine, I was feeling extremely vulnerable and exposed.

I forget what the wife said, but she was open and accepting of what I was sharing and appreciated my sharing with her.

My sense of helplessness turned into lightness and spaciousness. I felt unburdened by the charge associated with the reactivity.

Some days in the future, there was great sex, one of those interactions that was close and intimate. It was like a dance of energies and intimacy. 

In the afterglow, I was experiencing the most profound intimacy. The intimacy of me, with me – I seemed to be the intimacy. And I realized that this was what I longed for – this intimacy. 

Then, I realized that the only way I knew to move toward this intimacy was through sex and that I believed I needed to be intimate with an “other” to connect with this exquisite intimacy that was me.

I lay there as intimacy, noticing everything everywhere was intimacy. Everywhere I looked – intimacy. Everything I touched – intimate. Exquisite intimacy, black velvet eros, a flow of immediacy.

My soul seemed to open up, drink in, absorb, and relish the intimacy as a nourishment. The effect was profound and stayed with me for days experientially.

For me, this illustrates what Almaas is speaking about. It was a turning point for me in relating to others and myself.

It was one of those journeys that opened the way and eased the angst and struggles of future journeys.

The opening in the soul remains a portal.