The Real Will Disappear You – Part 2
I have a particular appreciation for inquiry and self-reflection, as taught in the Diamond Approach. Every moment is an opportunity for curiosity and not-knowing, revealing the miraculous. An especially painful yet wondrous experience occurred when my dear friend Carol died in 2000.
I had met Carol at a Helen Palmer Enneagram Workshop in Boston half-a-dozen years earlier. When the time came for this “8” to introduce himself and say what I hoped to get out of the week-long event, I simply said – I hope to get through this without pissing everyone off – something 8 Carol understood. The moment the meeting was over, Carol came and introduced herself, and we were instantaneously best friends forever.
Around 1997/8, Carol was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. After several multi-month chemo regimens, Carol let the body go it’s way. When Carol passed, I flew to Boston to deliver the eulogy per her request. I thought I would also support Dave, her husband, in his grief and loss – those roles reversed.
The abyss of loss and grief and anguish that opened startled me. Each day I woke up thinking – today will be better; the pain can’t get any worse. Surprise, surprise. I had no idea nor experience with the depth of pain possible for a human heart.
An intriguing and marvelous benefit of studying the Diamond Approach is that our interest and curiosity in being with and exploring our experience functions under any circumstances. Since everything is an expression of presence, we can allow ourselves to be in full contact with experiential learning and revelation.
As I cycled love, loss, and grief, I noticed something curious. When my love for Carol was in the foreground of my experience, love became more dynamic and more immediate. Everything started disappearing except love. There was no love “of” or “for” Carol; there was simply love – everywhere. Dynamic love. Everything was love, loving love being loved. In wonderment, I, too, began to disappear. As I approached the threshold of disappearing, consumed in love, my body and consciousness would jerk back into the pain, loss, and anguish. And the pain and loss would be deeper, more acute, more raw.
I learned through personal experience that the loss, grief, and pain were simply a reflection of the depth of love. While love and the real will disappear from us until there is only the real, the ego-self’s survival is supported by pain and suffering. My ego-self would snap back into the foreground by choosing(?) pain and suffering over love (disappearing).
As the years have passed, I have been blessed with opportunities to explore more deeply how the real disappears us.
My friend stopped dreaming today
She opened her eyes in the other world
A kaleidoscope of tears assaults and soothes my soul
Love & Loss, Joy & Sadness, Anguish & Understanding
A shower of memories – like fairy dust
Illuminates our time together
In every future moment
I will miss you – as I wonder
How is this possible?
When everywhere I look
There you are