Holes Cannot be Filled – the Ego Deficiency is the Identity
In Diamond Heart Book 1 – Elements of the Real in Man, A. H. Almaas elucidates his Theory of Holes. According to Almaas these psychological or spiritual “holes” are “disconnections” from Being which result in a sense of deficiency, lacking, emptiness, hollowness, inadequacy, etc.
The mind has some interesting ways of processing and organizing experience and information. Most of these ways and systems are binary in nature – either/or scenarios. As an example: when it comes to holes, we either identify with them or reject them. If we reject them, we usually engage in a dynamic of trying to fill the hole. In either case, we are still dancing with and identifying with the hole on an unconscious level.
Infantile Ego Structures
I remember an experience that led me to a greater understanding of this dilemma. I was working with an infantile structure where I was in a regressed state of about 3 months of age. The work with this “preverbal” or “precognitive” structure led me to re-experience my body as that 3-month-old. My hands not only felt tiny and infantile, but they also appeared to be so to my eyes.
My worldview did not extend far beyond “arm’s length.” A lot of my worldview and experience was tactile in nature and involved my relationship to my mother’s body – little grasping hands.
Many of the insights and understanding that arose had to do with biological imperatives and motivations – what would seem common sense to my conceptual understanding today. In that regressed place, the understanding was experiential, not conceptual – feeling the immediacy, power, and subtlety of my world’s (body’s) dynamism.
Working with the Soul Child
Coming out of that experience, I found myself in a very open and vulnerable, and innocent state. As I lay in bed contemplating (savoring) the felt-sense of my inquiry and state, I felt the presence of a small boy at the foot of my bed. A boy of 4 or 5 years old. I recognized this “boy” as a manifestation of my “central soul child” structure which I had been working with for 2 or 3 years at that point in time.
This structure includes a “hole” around “not worth noticing” or “lack of being of interest to the outside world.” It’s a subtle feeling and the closest image I have for fleshing it out is that of a small boy who could sit in a chair forever as the world walks by because his presence lacks the “interest” to attract the attention of the active, engaged world.
As I lay there observing this boy, who had become very familiar to me, I suddenly realized that all of the “interest” or “attention” in the universe would not fill up that hole. That hole was beyond infinite – 8 gazillion galaxies of attention would be less than a drop in the bucket.
As I studied that, the structure became more immediate to me. I saw that hole was really and truly bottomless. Imagine how much water it would take to fill up a cup with no bottom – NOT POSSIBLE! In fact, it is more than possible that the water would not even hit the sides of the cup even if an eternal, infinite stream was poured directly into the center of the cup – just passing through space making no personal contact.
Suddenly, immediately – I saw the real state of affairs – this boy (structure) would never be “healed.” The hole (deficiency) is the core of the identity (structure).
At that moment, I was flooded with kindness and acceptance. I had no desire to change a thing, but a deep appreciation of his dilemma – his suffering was his existence – to not suffer, would be the end of him. To me, that boy was just fine as is. In fact, he was teeming with insight, sensitivity, and much more.
I rolled out of bed (really did) and held out my hand to that boy and welcomed him into my living experience. I’m pretty sure I said – we need to grow up – meaning – our worldview needs to expand.
All of this, which is much more than a hole or a structure, continues to inform my experience.
The short of it is…
…we cannot fill up these holes. We cannot expect things to change if we get what “we” think we need from the perspective of the hole. That need, the deficiency is what the structure constellates around. Getting that need met, nurtures and maintains the structure (though this may not be seen as it can be very subtle and unconscious).