In the Diamond Approach, “aloneness” is not about being physically separate or alone. It’s about existing without ego or self-image. When we have a self-image, we’re engaged in internalized object relations, meaning we’re constantly relating to an image of ourselves and others in our minds. This prevents us from feeling truly alone. The ego, which is based on these internalized object relations, cannot exist in a state of aloneness. Therefore, experiencing aloneness signifies the end of the ego’s reign.
However, this concept is often misunderstood. Many people confuse the state of aloneness with the feeling of loneliness, which is generally seen as undesirable. This misunderstanding can become a barrier to experiencing the Personal Essence, a state of being without ego. Some people resist this state of aloneness because they fear it will leave them feeling small and helpless, leading to fear, sadness, and longing.
In the Diamond Approach, aloneness is about being present in the now, without any relationship to the past or connection to anything or anybody else. It’s about being without ideas and preconceptions that we’ve acquired from others. When we’re alone in this way, we’re not engaged in any internal dialogues or mental connections with others. We’re just with ourselves, as we are.
Aloneness is accepted only when one can experience the Merging Essence, a state of being that involves the dissolution of ego boundaries, in the state of aloneness itself. This acceptance of aloneness leads to the dissolution of boundaries and the experience of a newness or rebirth. It’s a state of purity where there’s no self-image, and the mind is empty and clear.
To allow yourself not to have boundaries means to accept your aloneness. At the very core of our assumptions about reality, we think aloneness means separateness. But aloneness is not being separate. Aloneness means having no boundaries. How can this be? It is a paradox. – Diamond Heart Book Two: The Freedom to Be, ch. 10
…the feeling of emptiness deepens into a dark abyss, and the loneliness disappears into a singular state of aloneness, existential and fundamental. A hint of sadness remains, in the form of a subtle, warm feeling pervading the deepening emptiness. The throbbing presence at the forehead again scintillates brightly; this time emerald green outshines its other living colors. The sadness reveals associations with the state of aloneness: times in childhood when I was left alone. In the emptiness of the mind float memories of a sad and lonely child, left alone, sometimes forgotten.
Recognizing that the source of the feeling of loneliness is my association of the painful loneliness of the past with the state of aloneness of presence in the present, liberates the sadness, allowing it to evaporate, leaving a sense of transparent depth to the dark abyss, a spacious depth. The feeling is centered in the chest, as if the chest region has become void of everything, except for a subtle lightness which curiously feels deep. Feeling within the chest, inquiring with no goal in mind, I find no sense of solidity. The chest feels empty, but curiously quiet, peaceful and still. I recognize the state as a luminous black spaciousness, which is the unity of stillness and space. There is immaculate, glistening emptiness, but the emptiness has a sense of depth. The depth seems to be the felt aspect of the blackness of space. It is like looking into, and feeling into, starless deep space. – Luminous Night’s Journey: An Autobiographical Fragment , Ch. 1
What we’re doing here is fundamental. We’re not playing a game of getting a little something here, a little something there. There’s no real resolution, no real fulfillment until a person is totally committed to the Work and can face being alone. Essence is the answer. You have to see and accept that completely. Nothing else will do. No half measures. You have to go all the way. Absolutely all the way. When you start realizing what your essence is about, it doesn’t even matter if you are threatened with death. Who cares? Live, die—what’s the difference? If other people don’t like you, it’s fine. It’s all the same to you. You’re not going to change yourself to suit anyone else’s ideas of how you should be. In fact, you can’t have real intimacy until you can tolerate your own aloneness, integrity, individuality. That is freedom. – Diamond Heart Book One: Elements of the Real in Man, ch. 9